**Disclaimer: this was a pre-Covid journal entry** I mean, why not?? I am not a fan of exercise, but in the interest of self-discovery, I shall push forth! I have been putting off the "movement" part of my journey for quite some time, justifying my lack of motivation by saying that I just haven't found "my thing." The more time I spend thinking about myself, and my motivations in general, the more I think that is not true. I think my disdain for exercise and activity stems from my embarrassment of how out-of-shape I have let myself become. It's much easier to say I don't like something rather than I can't do something. I also like to throw in a little mockery about people that can do the thing I cannot do. Self-loathing has made me an asshole. Time to be better.
I decided to try out different types of group classes to see what I like and don't like. I started with pole dancing because I felt like it was the group class that was going to put me the furthest out of my comfort zone. I was going to address my self-consciousness, patience, vulnerability and physical ineptitude in one class! It was super hard. Although, I actually didn't feel that self conscious, and found myself not really caring what anyone thought about me. I don't think I had some sort of breakthrough or anything. I think it was just because I knew the people in the class weren't looking at me or judging me. The women were wearing functional outfits (bloomers and sports bras) even though they didn't look like barbie dolls. There was even a guy there wearing a wife-beater and a Speedo. Hmmmmmm. Do the types of people I'm surrounded by affect my self-esteem? Maybe. Let's see what happens when I go to a class that is super mainstream.
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